Monday, January 6, 2014
-sincerely a lonely "LONER"
These are just everyday life situations that happen to everyone, but when you are a loner the answers to those questions are yourself. I know the answers to these questions so well because i am the definition of a LONER!!! I find interest in activities that most would consider boring. I can sit in the same place for hours reading a book or watch the marathon of my favorite show and not be bothered by anyone else in the whole entire world. I never really get excited about going out, most of the time when im out with friends its because Ive been forced lol I dont really show any type of emotions, ive never been the type to wear my feelings on my sleeves, i dont know how to react when people show me affection or when a person tries to hug me i tense up. To be honest, when im alone i cry all of the time, its like i want to scream but something stops me. On the inside i am screaming and hurting, on the outside i am stern and well put together. When i need a shoulder to cry on i have nobody, when i need a good listener ear, i have nobody... being a loner is good when you want to keep your business to yourself but when you're having one of those moments where you just need someone to be there you only have yourself. I know that I've made it thus far in life being the way that i am and that is by the grace of God. On the inside i am hurting, its like a giant is standing on my chest, i am hurting so badly and its all building up on the inside and all the pain thats building up on the inside is the punishment that i am receiving from being a loner. Because i have no one its like i leave all of the consequences for my problems and everyday situations in my own hands. if something goes wrong i punish myself. That's the absolute worst part about being a loner, i don't have anyone to blame but myself... if i let my guard down and let people in and those people end up hurting me, i can only get upset with myself for letting them in, because i made that decision....i think that me becoming a loner has been my way of defending myself from the world. I think that the most hurt that i have experienced in life has been from putting my trust people has earned me the most hurt...but my question is how can a person make it through life without friends? How can i continue my life when all i do is cut myself off from the world...either way no matter what relationships i make with people things wont always go the right way, the way that i am trying to protect myself is actually hindering me, i have to live my life fearlessly i cant be afriad of being hurt, but i can take the necessary procautions to stop myself from being sick and tired of being sick and tired, right now i am at a point where i am hurting, im hurt, i feellike im suffocating because i have nobody, i have my God and with the grace of my lord and savior i will make it, even when all of my hope feels like it has no place