Sunday, September 26, 2010
Drunken Confession: SO its like almost 7 && I'm still up!!Like what the EFF!!! I got home like 3 hours ago && had to sit around an extra until my extra drunk friends took a chance with their lives && drove home....young && dumb!! I swear God has like mini angels surrounding us! Those bitches still never called or text me to let me know that they made it home. ANY WHO like I'm still UP!!! i think after Ive gave heavy mouth to mouth to my toilet bowl that i would be able to rest but I'm sure the hypnotic,vodka && crack in a can (four loko) is still running through my veins. I was the life of the party tonight, i even got a job offer to be a go go dancer && i didn't even break my overly priced stilettos this time. The guys tried to holla && i was a social butterfly, I'm a beautiful girl lord knows i am....ask any guy in Orlando or ask the hating ghetto bitches that stay on my shit, I'm am pretty cute...i just don't understand one thing about myself. "why is it that i can only talk to guys when i am intoxicated?" Like what the fuck? It never fails, if I'm sober && a nice young man is trying to talk to me or even looks like he's about to approach me , i hide, i look the other way, or i put my infamous"don't fuck with me" unit on. Its just so confusing && actually its weird as shit! && crazy because I've let a few "potential" bf's get away....me intoxicated isn't a reflection of my character. My exterior is naturally confident by nature, heredity, MAC cosmetics && a few extensions from time to time, BUT my interior is afraid, my heart is afraid to broken, my pride && ego wont tolerate possible rejection. I have shielded myself from feelings, i wont allow myself to fall for him because what if he hurts me? what if i let my guard down, trust him && he fucks me over? what if i give all my time and energy to him and i allow myself to welcome commitment and he just leads me on and commitment is the last thing on his mind? I just cant put my heart on the line....so am i taking a risk at being single and lonely for the rest of my life? DAMN welp i feel it coming, time for some more mouth to mouth with a lucky commode.
Monday, September 20, 2010
"What the FUCK I've done it again!" I'm in love again && swear its not in vain. Ive managed to get my heart caught up in another situation that i cant shake. My mind is saying "Girl FUCK it he's just like the rest" but my heart is saying "you never know he may be the one" whats a girl suppose to do? Ive been through it all every light skinned dog on the west side of town, so whats so special about this one? is it because he's the total opposite of any man I've ever "loved"? Man what the FUCK am saying? that shit wasn't love who am i trying to fool my friends? that's all it was a damn "show" just because his skin was the color of butterscotch && his height was equivalent to any NBA player i made myself believe that indeed we would live the fairytale life, when really i was covering up bruises on the inside and out. If a phone call wasn't answered or a text was never replied i made myself believe that he was busy or I'd brush it off, when really i was hurting myself..... a grab turns into a push, a push turns into a shove, && a shove turns into a 10 round boxing match....Bags under my eyes that eventually turned into bruises, wearing sunglasses everyday to hide my blackened eyes, weight dropping down to 80 pounds walking around looking like death, but you couldn't tell me shit because i was "ride or die" i was his "down ass bitch" he would do his dirt at night && the next day i would wake up to gifts, nothing but the best...Betsey Johnson on my wrist....Tiffany && co on my neck.....Remy in my hair...Dolce handbags...Trues on my ass....i let material possessions justify his actions....what a dumb bitch right? But i was blinded by "love" i thought love had my back when really love was kicking my ass, love was killing me, but shit changed when i realized that "love" didn't give a FUCK about me. I had to free myself of the burden that wasn't helping me grow it was holding me back...i allowed myself to suffocate for one year and three months.....but now i can breathe && I'll never suffocate again.....